Gossip and Counseling

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A long, but very rich, read:

The Danger of Gossip in Counseling

By: Caroline Newheiser
November 7, 2018

Abuse, Biblical Counseling, Gossip, Sin, Slander

No Christian counselor wants to be known as a gossip or to allow gossip to occur in counseling. It is frowned upon by unbelievers, but Christians know that it is a sin. This article will deal with some potential blind spots about gossip in counseling. The counselor or the counselee can be guilty; sometimes both are guilty. On the other hand, a misunderstanding about the nature of gossip can prevent an abused wife from getting help. She might hesitate to tell about the sinful behavior of her husband for fear of committing the sin of gossip. Gossip needs to be defined, the guilty need to be warned, and fearful victims of abuse need to be encouraged to speak out, knowing that it is not gossiping to tell someone in authority who can help.

Gossip Defined

First, gossip needs to be recognized. It is so easy to speak about others without evaluating what we are saying. “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (Prov. 10:19). “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much” (Prov. 20:19). We should ask ourselves, “Am I describing someone in a way that honors them or am I damaging their character?” “Am I assuming the worst about him?” “Would I say the same thing about her if she were sitting here?” “What is my motive for telling this story?” If the listener does not need to know this negative information and is not able to solve the problem, then it is gossip.

Counselors Can Be Guilty of Gossip

The counselor who listens to one side of a story without evaluating its truth is unwise. Proverbs 18:17 says, “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” A marriage conflict can be viewed from two sides, which is why it is helpful to hear from both parties. “The glory of kinds is to search things out” (Prov. 25:2b). Experienced counselors will ask the other spouse to come to a meeting, inviting their perspective on a conflict (although this is generally not recommended in abuse cases). This offer can be made even if the spouse is an unbeliever. One meeting at which the spouse has an opportunity to explain their viewpoint can lead to future meetings which bring real conflict resolution. Proverbs 11:9 gives hope: “With his mouth the godless man would destroy his neighbor, but by knowledge the righteous are delivered.”

Counselors are taught to keep sessions confidential. Because of the insidious nature of gossip, special care needs to be taken in this area. Counselors talking with other counselors are not immune to gossip. We should ask ourselves, “Why am I saying this?” The Golden Rule applies here. “Would it be right for someone to speak this way about my sin? If not, then I will not tell anyone.”

Counselees Can Be Guilty of Gossip

A counseling session gets out of hand when a wife spends the whole time complaining about her husband who is not there. The wife may think that listing the sins of her husband is helpful because she needs to “get it off her chest.” So much of worldly counseling is just that…the venting of anger and frustration to release those emotions. The wise counselor realizes that to allow a counselee to continue in verbal sin is not pleasing to God. Proverbs 17:4 states that “an evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a mischievous tongue.” The Lord hates “one who sows discord among brothers” (Prov. 6:19). Listeners should develop the habit of gathering as much data as is necessary to get an idea of the problem and no more.

Counselees can tend to portray themselves as innocent and others as guilty. They can paint a picture that is full of judgment about what the other person has done. The line leading to slander is easily crossed when the counselee wants the counselor to join her in slandering someone else. The Bible warns us to “not associate with a simple babbler” (Prov. 20:19).

Counselees will sometimes complain about the counsel given by others. Counselors are on the receiving end of gossip about our counsel as well. It is painful to hear negative comments about our counseling ministry, especially when we know that the full picture is not given. It is helpful to remember Proverbs 11:12, “Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.”

Counselees Who Withhold Cases of Abuse for Fear of Being a Gossip

On the other hand, the Bible’s warnings against gossip can be misunderstood. Some women will not get help with serious marital problems because they desire to avoid gossip. They have been warned against saying anything bad about their husbands, sometimes by those very men. Women in our churches need to be taught the definition of gossip. It is not gossip if they tell someone who needs to know and can help. For example, a pastor needs to know if physical abuse is taking place in the home. His responsibility is to protect the flock under his care (Matt. 18:16; Heb. 13:17). The women’s ministry leader is someone who can help a wife who feels that she is in danger because of her angry husband. In this case, privacy is not violated if the wife has the attitude of seeking help in order to restore her husband, as is taught in Galatians 6:1. Occasionally, governmental authorities need to be alerted for her protection (Rom. 13:4).

Summary

It is necessary to avoid gossip in the counseling office. Counselors should not listen to slander and words of folly. We should develop the skill of gathering sufficient data from all parties (if possible) in order to understand the situation. We should not join our counselee in biased thinking about others, and we need to be careful about recounting our cases to others.

Let our speech be governed by Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Questions for Reflection

Ask yourself: “Is this area a weakness of mine?” “How do I need to change the way I speak about others?” Evaluate whether your counselees need to be taught to restrain their speech. Ask: “Am I stopping slander when I hear it?” Consider useful phrases to gently change the tone of a counselee’s speech. Are you willing to step in to prevent this sin? What insight is gained from the following verses: Psalm 141:3; Proverbs 15:4, 28; Proverbs 17:9; Proverbs 21:23; Colossians 4:6; 1 Peter 3:10?

About the Author:

Caroline Newheiser is an ACBC certified counselor and has earned her master’s degree in Christian Counseling from Reformed Theological Seminary-Charlotte. Her husband, Jim, is the Director of the Christian Counseling program and is an Associate Professor of Counseling and Practical Theology at RTS-Charlotte. She was a pastor’s wife for over 34 years, including 6 years in Saudi Arabia, before moving to Charlotte. She and Jim have three grown sons. Caroline has many years of experience counseling women in the local church and has a passion to help women view their lives in a biblical way.
Recent Posts by Caroline Newheiser:
Tips for Couples Who Help Couples — February 18, 2022
How God Uses Couples to Help Couples — February 16, 2022
Having Heroes Helps — December 20, 2021

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